Bit Like Me Pants

Been missing again; too ill, care assessments, ESA form, and now devastated, but still managed to laugh about it: you have to find the comedy in things somehow to cope with this nightmarish existence.

Waited since last July for a heart test (after no one believing me but my own G.P. who basically saved my life). Gave up a few years back anyway when I knew something was wrong but also KNEW it was no use approaching anyone about it, that is until the massive chest pains came. I had to go to the doctor’s then. I’ve suffered terrible pain before, but nothing like that in the chest that then travels down your arm. I was quite surprised to find that during those attacks that I did actually want to keep living! I thought I’d given up, but I was very mistaken.

Finally had a half day in hospital tomorrow for the one test that could prove me right and the cardiologist wrong. Then Bham! Just started with a virus last night. Existing illness means that’s me done in for a good while, despite how it will affect my heart. Will take months to obtain another appointment, and because of how I’m viewed and treated I won’t be believed about having a virus either.

Great. Pissed off doesn’t begin to cover it.

CBT reportage style: That was the dramatic news from 57 High Street last tea time (yes, High Street, in the country, with, er, no shops, which isn’t possible, as people not from the area like to keep reminding me!). Where Clare F asked God to kill her, yet again, whilst wanting to stomp around the house in a temper and bang a few things, but hadn’t quite the energy, so she burst into tears instead.

Pissed off didn’t cover it. Then I began to think. Jesus said we must forgive people from our hearts, which I do, believe me, regularly!! Be warned, you REALLY need to forgive them from your hearts I thought or you’ll end up with a heart like mine. Then I started laughing uncontrollably, and I’m really ok now. I don’t understand why I go from ‘it’s the end of the world’ to ‘this is ridiculously funny’ in the space of seconds, but that’s what I’m like I guess. And the fact that it isn’t funny, only to me, makes me laugh all the more.

I didn’t actually fancy being kept in hospital Friday, because, er, I’ve run out of decent pants, and I’ve had a complete mental block about ordering any. I put weight on since having the heart thing, and I’ve had to use scissors to cut the edges of my underwear or they cut into me. I kept forgetting to order some more meantime – a mental block. I’ve kept telling my carers since Monday, and saying they must have noticed the state of my pants, and that sometimes they’re now just falling to pieces with all the cuts I’ve made ha ha ha! The carers have been laughing all week at me!! So today I was looking at next day delivery and couldn’t find any in the time I had.I’m too ill to go shopping for any either. I had thought of telling the hospital staff that I’m a tramp to get around it…best not.

Ah well, there’s always a cloud in every single lightning, or something like that. Seems to fit, or not. Bit like me pants.


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